" Dying on My Arse" or How I Love Being An ALT

I had two lessons scheduled. Both would be self-introduction lessons. Oh bollocks. I spent most of Thursday marshalling my mountain of magnificent mugshots into something resembling a logical order. (I was suffering from a few other problems as well that day but more on those in future blogs). However instead of forging a stunning lesson plan that evening, I slept at 10pm. Awoke still slightly un-refreshed this morning and rode gleefully into school... and straight into ANOTHER self-introduction to staff! I grabbed my trusty JET diary and my tattered old sheet from the Edinburgh orientation and headed up to the front of the staff room, right beside the Principal and Vice-Principal. I was pretty sure that I would be on the receiving end of the Big P's samurai fury should I fuck this one up. Fired off a few lines mixing, I thought expertly, lines from the JET diary and the Edinburgh orientation to make a jovial heartfelt intro. Which is all well and good, but once again I sounded like a retard reading it out. I sat back down to a small applause from my fellow sensei's and quietly died a little inside. Focused all my attentions on the looming First Lesson Evar and found inspiration/plagarising gold in the notes from our orientation. Before too long I'd settled on a format, and a worksheet kids could try filling in while I talk. On the back there was a map of the UK, asking them to name the four countries (or just be lazy and listen to me mention the names very slowly and very loudly) and then match them with their flags (rinse and repeat). A small hitch was presented when I realised that Japan is at least several years away from the crazy sorts of technology you and I are shown (lied to about) in Japanese anime or films. Here I was trying to print out and the massive lazer printer, sat no more than 30 cm in front of me, would NOT be picked up by my laptop. Fuckbeans. Had to run upstairs and gleefully harass some geography teachers right next to the computer room.... Ah yes the Computer Room. Computers which sink in to the desks. Massive A2 colour laser printers. Relatively unfiltered internet sites for a school. It was geeky nirvana. {TBC & edited to be more LOL. Off home. It's 4:30 and I'm finished for the week! Hurrahs!}

3... 2.. 1...

Mere moments from my very first EVAR class. Wish me luck, wish me an hilarious face plant of a lesson, but most of all just wish that I won't be forced to commit seppaku in front of everyone due to the sheer awfulness of it all.

Allah

Yeah, tonight didn't go so well from a Muslim point of view. Actually fuck that, so far my entire time in Japan hasn't gone so well from a burka'd point of view. Accidentally chowed down on lovely chicken breast with cheese and, oddly, a thing silver of ham lining the recessed pocket which held the delicious filling. Conscience smudged, I drank some "Rose cocktail" which is just some water, weak ass alcohol, some essence of rose and peach in it. Basically it's the gayest drink in existence but it tastes sweet and I still fucking hate the bitter biting taste of manly un-diluted alcohol. That was until a whole conversation thread started whereby this girl we met said I looked like her friend; her gay friend. In order to prove my manliness/irish-ness I demanded the whiskey Jeremiah had and took about a 1/4 glass full. I've said it once and I'll say it again: alcohol tastes of hospital Yes I must have been to some weird ass hospitals as a child but it still reminds me of that clinical smell of anaesthetic and sterile wipes! Anyway whether or not this quietened the debate I'm not sure, though I remember us all passionately discussing the Transformers movie and the Batman movies. It was also a great night out for Rebecca, her first chance to meet with other JETs in the area since she'd first came just over a week ago. Where I'd had Randy to guide me round, she'd unfortunately not been as lucky; most JETs' predecessors leave shortly before they arrive. All in all a fun night, and one which I'm sure will be particularly well remembered come the Day Of Judgement!

Stealing teh Internets & Landmines

Now that I am a Scientistic Engineer of Computer Stuff I feel a spring in my step, a new pep in my pep talks, a new l33t-ism in my l33t sk!llz.

Since coming to Japan I've been without Internet or a phoneline at home. Yet I have been happily blogging and surfing from my apartment. Confused? Well dear retard, I'll give you a clue:

Do you wish to connect to this unsecured wireless connection?

I have been stealing teh Interweb for the past week or so; at first guiltily; then reluctantly; then finally cheerfully and with much LOLs. When the police come demanding my computer for evidence I will simply laugh them off with my Sciengineer credentials.

I kind of think it's some sort of community Wi-Fi though, so my conscience may be clean but I DO know it's saved me a fucking load of money for an actual internet connection. Like I've said before Japan seems to be intent on chipping away at my finances in all manner and means, and so this latest "Fuck Me, Its Free!" delight is most welcome.

---

Bugs here are monstrous. They also regularly resurrect themselves hours after dying in my apartment block's stairwell. The fuckers are like vampre bats, going for the jugular anytime you stumble too close to their corpse.

Was riding home from school today, a cool and fresh misty rain falling upon me, and noticed a familiar shape up ahead.

"Aha! There's one of the little fuckers up ahead".

It's mammoth carcass only partially submerged in the puddle. At last I can make up for the incident on the stairs last night, at last we will have revenge.

CRUNCH-BOOM!!

The fucking thing went off like a landmine as I rode over it. There was actual fucking upheaval of water like you see in those crap submarine movies, where Sean Connery appears as a Russian General... with a Scottish accent.

Alcohol Performance Anxiety & Answers On A Postcard

I kind of regret abstaining from karaoke-ing last night. The night before we'd drank some beer in a park (Asahi 'Super Dry'*) and then went to a brilliant little bar with karaoke. This time it was more reminiscent of Western karaoke though there was no stage, you just sat back in your group of friends and belted out various aging pop songs. I was constantly drinking what I thought was *just* calpis - water, some milk and sugar drink. In fact it contained some weak alcohol and on top of the Asahi I was feeling very dizzy and oddly enthusiastic about the idea of singing. I am but an alcohol n00b! However if my tolerance for it was poor my social dependence on it was as good as any veteran's, perhaps moreso. The next night we went to a karaoke place in Yonezawa with other American JETs and friends of Randy's. Just sat drinking coke and couldn't bring myself to sing. Even though no one else was drinking and still were making a go at David Bowie! The part of me that frets overly about things like this, Hand-Wringing JoeyD, wonders if it's a lovely veteran alcoholic-like personality just waiting. Of course it ain't, but I'd hate to let things like that play on my mind in future. Next time I go out I will endeavour to karaoke just to 'prove' I can do it without Satan's Piss running through my veins! To increase my chances of this I have decided to stick to a small karaoke repertoire. As you *may* infer, I love Don't Stop Believin' by Journey. Also: Oasis, Muse, and Faith by George Michael. The last one worries me as much as you, don't worry! I will seek help for my odd affliction but till then it's up there with other karaoke favs. One small snag; I prefer the Duet-Otherwise-Known-As-Cover-My-Shit-Voice method of karaoke but bugger all of the, mainly American, JETs know anything other than 80s rock songs from the US. All my British-know-how falls on deaf ears, made all the more deafer if I were to have to sing them on my own. Maybe I just still have the wrong attitude to it; I still secretly yearn to be 'Acceptable' at singing karaoke, rather than "Oh shit, here he goes" bad. Hmm, what a typically belligerent Western way of viewing it! Thus I have still a fair bit to go before I can realise my ambition of trying Jumpin' Jack Flash by the Rolling Stones. Though I want to try another Elite Beat Agents song by Sum 41 (hey, I think their brand of emo-lite music is still good!) And so Alcohol Performance Anxiety raises its ugly head. I wonder if there's any suggestions from those dear veterans of alcohol who could offer kind words of wisdom. Speaking of "Words of Wisdom" I was asked to explain this lyric (from the Beatles 'Let It Be') to my supervisor. Also had to explain "Let it be" which is actually very fucking difficult when you think about all the layers of meaning and emotion that can go into that phrase. Finally it made me realise what an oddly anachronistic song it was, using all these odd phrases, and my supervisor asked if there was a reason for the Beatles using these lyrics; answers on a postcard please! *This drink has an advertising campaign with girls in bikinis on beaches holding the drink with "Super Dry" in quotes. But when *I* saw it I thought: "Oh how quaint. Japan, the country of extremes in all major media formats, isn't afraid of advertising women's lubrication using fresh faced young things to highlight this problem of sandy J-vaginas."

Praise-ah!

Rubbish collection here is a serious business, with several different categories of rubbish for you to sort out into different coloured bags which you then make with your house number and leave in a shed next to your apartment block.

Of course, it was only after being liberal in my rubbish bagging that I realised they fucking charge you 40Yen a bag. This comes on top of the 503,038,271 things which I have to pay for. I swear to god, this country is going to eat away at my meagre earnings till all I'll come home with are "special memories" which don't definitely aren't accepted at most major retail outlets so far as I know.

Since moving in over 2 weeks ago I'm still finding need for things that I notice only by their yawning chasm they leave in my new Miss Independent life. Recently? Bins and wash baskets.

These have been actually high on the list for some time. At the moment all my rubbish goes straight in the big red bag (burnable rubbish). This slowly growing sack of Gaijin refuse sits, sagging as the days go by, right next to my shoes and next to the door. One day some sweet old neighbour will come round to see me, the Gaijin, and be greeted with a wave of rubbish and banana peels*

So I hopped on my bike and, with that Journey song *still* echoing in my head, I headed off to Musashi and the 100Yen stores to see if I could rectify this.

In my 2 weeks of being in this country I have seen many wonderful things; toilets which clean your ass and vagina at the touch of a button, J-girls, amazing mobile technology, bikes which are secretly Autobots, karaoke booths. But not once have I seen some form of retro rubbish receptacle or basket.

Like a man stranded on a desert island, the phrase 'water/technology everywhere, but not a drop/bin to spare' goes round and round in my head, part of me (HouseWife JoeyD?!) was growing mad at this weird drought of bins.

I rounded a corner in the last superstore and fell to my knees.

PRIASE-AH!

Before me was an entire isle of rubbish bins and baskets. Housewife JoeyD came in her pants.

I am now the proud owner of a bin and a wash basket. Though in my binge-on-all-things-rubbish- receptacle I was sorely tempted to buy the whole fucking aisle and roll about in the mountain of cheap plastic baskets and bins. Sort of like Scrooge McDuck did in Duck Tales.

There have been many many similar moments before as I slowly grew more and more desperate for some Western comfort I was finding hard to find. And I'm sure there'll be many more. Currently growing a little sensitive around the subject of decent clothes and t-shirts. I thought Japan was the centre of all-things cool, they've got Mukoda-sensei for godsake, but I can't seem to find any cool** t-shirts emblazoned with animé or Engrish slogans.

Going to see if I can meet my neighbouring JET, Rebecca from the US whom I've seen once despite only living a few doors down from. Me?? Anti-Social?! Pah! Never!


*Bananas. As the Doctor once said, bananas are good.

**Cool to me, and me alone. I'm sure to my fellow Japanese it's like if I were to wear a big Gordon the Gopher T-shirt back home in the UK and considered it cutting edge and hip.

Corrections & Perfect Day

See! I told you I came to my senses! I realised that it was just a select few second year JETs who had soiled my opinion of the great American people! - JD

**~~Not all American JETs are wankers. It was just the insane wanker-tude of one or two that temporarily gave my jet-lagged brain an excuse to go on a rant. Had a chance to meet loads of other fellow JETs and I'm glad to say that they are really nice.~~** In the meantime since coming to the school I've had not much to do. Been strolling around school and greeting the kids; all of them are really nice, insanely shy of me the new gaijin, and will probably be storming your country's defences soon. You see in this Hellish heat they are regularly playing sports and running laps round the school, all in un-airconditioned torture. I think they're trying to mould them into the ultimate Super Soldiers. Back home during the summer holidays, when I was at school, I wouldn't be seen anywhere near school if at all possible. It was two months of doing bugger all or jetting off to hotter climes on family holidays. Here the kid's perfect summer's day involves coming into school all week, for about 4 hours each day, and either revising or practising aforementioned heat-stroke-inducing sports. I came in to see the badminton club practice. In the back of my mind I was imagining some teenagers who were okay at it, thwacking that 'cock back and forth. Instead I am greeted with a regimented training programme where they endlessly repeat different shots and movements around the court in unison. When I tried to join in with practising hitting my 'cock off a wall I could only do it 2 or 3 times. The girl beside me giggled before keeping her 'cock up for about a minute; a good 60 strokes or so... [Look Ma! Cheesy innuendo!] Meanwhile in the office I've been whisked in and out to get things like mobiles phones or bank accounts, so I haven't even been sat around much. Though the times I am it's kind of boring. I need to start doing my self-introduction stuff though, so I'll be insanely busy/nervous/suicidal coming up to my fucking Big Speech O' The Gaijin in the assembly on the 23rd. This weekend went to Yamagata with some fellow JETs from Tokyo Orientation and did some more karaoke; still out of tune but actually slightly less embarrassed by it all now... whatever next?!? Blasé about nudity in a public bath?! The Goo Goo Dolls song Iris is quite a good one and I even had a try at 'Starman' which was ... interesting! Me and Kaitlin seemed to do a good duet on a few songs. It was stood on an overpass in Yamagata at night, watching the dazzling neon signs and cars flowing by below that I had my latest "WTF?! JAPAN!" moment. I don't believe in fate but it's suddenly seemed *right* that I was there; I still may not be a good ALT but for this year, or two, it feels right that I'm getting the chance to spend my time in Japan before rejoining the rat race. One thing I've found is that it's been difficult to keep in contact with some people due to the time difference. However the more time I spend at home, in the evenings, the more likely it is I'll be able to MSN a few peeps*. Up until now was taken out every evening since the 1st until last Friday. So my first evening in was spent ironing whilst watching Hot Fuzz and organising my pictures and music on computer. I hadn't slept much the night before and I completely shut down at about 12:30, finding myself so tired I actually felt light headed and sick. Soldiered on to finish everything before ordering the AC into action and falling asleep, ready for my arduous trip to Yamagata on Saturday. PS: Today's blog post was brought to you by the word "nice". *LOL, American English

Look Ma! Pictures!

In between the climate change rants and verbose blog entries, I'm sure you are all craving to know what Nagai looks like. Well, Roll up! Roll up! Get yer pictures hot off the presses. See what JoeyD's raving about. http://picasaweb.google.com/wisejoeyd New folders: Nagai (lovely foliage and canals) Nagai Senior High (now with extra children!) Nagai Apartment (before it got fucked up by me) Trip to Japan (have a look at my crappy 'business class' seats!)

Breaking News - Rightousely Indignant JoeyD Alert!

Again I step in to warn and advise; I am usually more rational and less insane with seeming vindication. I believe in Global Warming BUT am angry at how it's been hijacked by everyone to be used as a tool to either extract more money from the poor tax payer or to fill every corner of life with a zealot-like cry about how bad we are to have things like central heating. I think it's the new 'diet' for the 21st century, everyone can feel bad for not cutting back on something. Anyway, without much further a

That's right, we interrupt my jovial tale of Far Eastern Delights and Adventures to bring you this:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/08...

To all environ-mentals (zing!) please, PLEASE, shut the fuck up. The world is getting warmer in part due to humans, but we mustn't forget the fucking enormous bomb that is our Sun. Tiny fluctuations in it means bad times for us, and hey, don't you know that Mars and Venus are also getting warmer.... jesus, theose Chelsea tractors sure get around!

After seeing the compelling Channel 4 documentary The Great Global WArming Swindle, I cringe and pout like crazy as I see everyone else consumed by this self-sacrificing, grand-posturing, enlightened self-hatred for us as a race. The notion that us Humans will DESTROY Earth seems to be particularly self-centred, like those folk back in the day who believed the Earth was the centre of the universe based on the very sound scientific opinion of the day....

....

Thought about that for a second? That in 10 years maybe we'll look back at 2007 and laugh at all these scare stories and this Live Earth shit? Actually, I'm already laughing about that concert now; memories of that butch lesbian singer in the US concert still makes me shudder/laugh.

This anti-technology, preaching, socialism-in-disguise decries everything that makes this a Modern World to live in. They hate central heating, which helps most of not die in winter. Cars which give us the freedom we need, unless we all should go back to living in terrace housing next to the factories//offices where we work? The list goes on. They are hippies, socialist, goddamn mud-hut dwellers.

By all means, I want more efficient cars, gadgets, pointless preachy pp concerts, but even if that were to happen the arrogance and demands and 'Green' laws would still continue. Why? Because of the main driving force behind the Green Movement - Money. It's hella good to be a green freak now, with government subsidies and freebies flying at you faster than you can say:

"But think of Pingu!!!"

Sorry to anyone who supports the self-flagellation that "Being Green" entails. I don't hate you, just your idea. Like fans of Celine Dion, I wouldn't hate them, I'd just get them sectioned.

Normal, less righteously indignant, service continues on the next blog entry.

Mobile Phone Email

Japan is cool. Here we have phones which do away with boring long phone numbers for SMSs.

In their stead we have fucking EMAIL addresses! So for a quick, immediate way to contact me, and (Take note) for FREE, email:

wisejoeyd@docomo.ne.jp

I'm particularly chuffed as I am the only person, out of 110 million peeps, to have the name 'wisejoeyd'.

Baby Muhammad Is Crying

I have commited two sins. -I tried some very mild alcoholic drinks for the first time last week. It was 0.5% fake beer. I subsequently did karaoke which I vowed I would never do. Imagine what would happen if I drank the proper stuff.... I'll leave you in solemn silence at that thought. Please take a look around you at all you hold dear and vow never to spike my drink. -I lied, the blogs after Part 1 of my Epic Journey to Japan weren't shorter. If anything they were longer! Like I'd taken up one of those email spam offers to "Increase Your Blog Girth". (Except from what I hear, in Japan no Westerner will ever have that problem, wink)

I Am A Biking God!

I haven't been on a bike in years, metaphorically or physically. So it was with some trepidation that I climbed onto my newly purchased bike. "Try it out" my supervisor said. I looked around at the empty outside yard of the shop, and at the forlorn looking attendent and his wisened old boss. "For Queen and Country" I thought to myself, "and for the little shred of dignity I have left". I didn't want to let these Nihon-jin see me, the first and probably last Ulsterman they'll ever meet, fall off a fucking bike in front of them. No, if that was to happen I'd at least have the decency to tumble off around a corner, out of sight. The seat was a bit low and the thing was a girl's bike, the bar between handlebars and seat dipped down. I half wondered if this was part of the plan to watch a Mighty Gaijin be brought low by a simple bike. As I lay on the ground, mobiles would be whipped out, pictures would be taken, photoshop would be employed and the next day newspapers would carry the headline: Little Pussy Gaijin falls off girl's bike It'd be most effective. I'd probably commit seppaku just from the shame of it all. So, with my life hanging in the balance, and the respect of all Ulster folk who would ever visit Nagai in the future, I pushed off. I careered left and right, somehow contorting my body to make it look like a mere skillful testing of handling when in fact it was the long dormant part of my brain marked "WORLD'S GREATEST MOTHERFUCKING RIDER!" slowly came round. I circled the yard, pointing myself at a crate of mattresses in a forward-thinking backup plan. Disembarked. Only then was I handed a pamphlet of instructions... LOL?! I never knew a bike needed instructions!? Maybe that's why I sucked so much first time! I wasn't riding a bike, I was riding a Transformer robot, who would change at a touch of a button into a Mecha robot, ready to help me do the shopping or destroy alien threats. It might even gain sentience, and me and my robot could have crazy adventures in Japan like some hilarious anime series! I've been out and about on my bike. Rode to school and felt thoroughly Japanese to be doing so. Got a lot of looks from old women (no, not those looks, thank god) and some baseball punks drawled something as I rode past. They seemed to know Randy-sensei (or "Landi-sensei") well and knew I was replacing him. Maybe they were yakuza?! Warning me of protection money I would soon be paying! Whoever they were, I rung my bell (I know it sounds so fucking gay now but it seemed funny at the time, and they cheered!) and shouted "Herro!" then mentally bitch slapped myself silly for forgetting how to say "L" for a second! Werr, I'm off home to rerax, on my bike, and may pop down to the supel malket to get some mole stuff fol my apaltment. Oh and pray this coor rooking game. Tark to you ratel!

Japan, LOL

Little fun facts about Japan:

• Japanese people p0wn Darth Vader
• Free tissues! Everywhere! If it weren't 500,000C outside it could be sort of useful.
• My town looks like it could be Venice such is the amount of little rivers or channels flowing through it.
• What makes these particularly note worthy is that I've now got a bike (pay attention at the back, jitensha) I will likely, one day, go barrelling into one of these streams when I am not looking where I'm going. Cue much bone breaking, water filling lungs, death and a shit load of bureaucracy for anyone unfortunate enough to actually want the body back.
• Washing machines use cold water.
• My electrical appliances don't talk to me unfortunately
  
• They actually do sell milk chocolate AND shortbread here!
• Engrish really is as bad/funny as people think it is

WTF?!

	Just seen an ad on TV with surfing Snowmen, and an ice cream being eaten by a girl. Only thing, it's filmed from the ice cream's POV and looks like she's deep throating it... then she, er, withdraws it and has milky lips! Japan, LOL

My American Friends, Lend Me Your Ears

I am loathe to edit my previous posts from Bebo but this one seems quite angry, UNTIL you realise it was directed at a couple of Randy's friends. In the Orientation some of my best JET friends were from the dear United States of America, I wasn't being/am not hating on them unnecessarily. It was merely a tongue in cheek obtuse attack on certain... individuals... I met in my first month here. With that in mind read on:-

To my American friends Realise that as with any country, you can get a certain... cross section that may mis-represent you. Say those peeps on a Conservative Christian International Exchange Programme. As such, I know that there is a certain type, or range, of people in JET. Thus I am not angry at all Americans, just the ones my age who are not, seemingly, as worldly or funny as I would have hoped. I imagined they'd all be like the cast of Friends. Of course, I am probably looked at as a ridiculously patriotic, idiotic, retarded Ulsterman by the Americans. It's swings and roundabouts really. I've got that feeling that I'm not quite 'in' on the quiet joke with some of my American JET colleagues here. the guy I'm replacing is really nice, but I feel I need to work on his friends who seem to regard me as some primitive, oddity. "I hear they have only just discovered fire there. Now enough talkin', let's pop a cap in his ass". It's weird to feel that "outsiderness" so strongly from other English speakers. I feel more welcomed by the Japanese than by second year JET colleagues.... LOL? Of course, I will go into the year open minded, and I hope we can all get along, like some ideal world vision of a jihad Arab and LA surfer dudes hanging out together, in peace and harmony. Just one thing though; please stop using "Dog" and the dozen other cliché "African-American" phrases that I've heard in OC or other shows trying too hard to be hip. When you hear these phrases in real life, it sounds just... just.... utterly ridiculous and like I've stumbled in on some slightly skewed reality where I'm the random Ulster guy guest starring in an R&B video!

Enter Nagai: Game Checkpoint

"Oh Dear God! I can see mountains!! Lots and lots of mountains! And Fields! And wee houses!" Bridget, Kathryn and myself were giving an increasingly hysterical running commentary about the sight below us as we descended into Yamagata airport. "I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away!" I was sure that any moment the world around me would pause, and a flashing "Quit Now Without Saving? Y/N" would appear. "What's this? A checkpoint I see before thine eyes?! It's blinking cursor turned towards me?!" The plane rocked slightly as we touched down and before too long we were at the gate (once again the plane, with its thoroughly Japanese pilots, careered through the taxi-ways towards the gate in record time). We shared slightly nervous looks all round, and I shared the last of my 'racist' M&Ms (long story...!) with Kathryn. At this point it's important to remember that there's a fair share of horror stories about people getting supervisors who don't speak English. These people are your life line in Japan, especially in the first month and thereafter you'll be working closely with them. So you can imagine the problems if there were a break down in communications. For just about everyone on JET this is the person who you first meet when you arrive in the prefecture and you will form opinions about, in much the same way Japanese people do about you because you are a gaijin. It was a tiny baggage collection hall, and the exit was right next to it, and I could see Nihon-jin (Japanese) standing outside looking for their family, friends, scared gaijin. And then I saw it. "Oh shit...." there was someone's arms holding up a name card saying David Khattak - JET Programme I suddenly became very interested in watching for my baggage... My self introduction was suddenly leaving me; what was I supposed to say after "kita ayrurando" again?! The moment of truth beckoned, I sauntered out towards the arms and saw a guy wearing glasses and a younger guy holding the sign. Fired off a nicely shortened (by necessity rather than witty choice) intro in Japanese, shook hands, bowed and was whisked outside by... Hold on... who did the email said would be at the airport?! I know my supervisor would be there, but who else? Did it say vice principal?! So the older guy with glasses is the VP, younger dude must be my supervisor. Hurrahs! It was apparent that like all Japanese people, he was Cool. Like the Fonz. The semi-permanent smile and spiked hair reminded me of a happier looking Ryo Hazuki from Shenmue. And like many Asians he could be 130 years old and still not look a day over 20; this fact is very true for the girls, which can make it difficult to tell when they're out of uniform...! Went in the back with this guy, Mukoda-sensei. Took me near half the trip to suddenly realise that the guy up front was Michiaki-sensei, my supervisor! D'oh!! I'd been chatting away to Mukoda mainly at this point and decided to refocus my Gaijin Charm (Level 1 Release though, I'm saving the higher Levels for the students...!). After trying to talk to him he told me that speaking English whilst driving was dangerous (!) for him because he's concentrating so hard on speaking he could crash. Um... is this just famed Japanese direct-to-the-point nature or some weird "shut the fuck up gaijin" rebuttal from him?! I was wearing my suit and thank god for the crazy AC in that car. I'd have arrived at the school looking like a desperate pedophile. Oh wait, hang on, did they say I was going straight to school?! I was going to meet everybody immediately, m'kay?! Shit, better try to remember my self introduction. Hang on, didn't we already establish I'd forgotten it?! And then we were pulling into the school..... "Whoah. Just like in the animes!" I nearly said, like a retard. And then suddenly I was being whisked round everyone so fast I could barely get out "David desu" while pointing at my face and the all important "yoroshiku onegaishimasu". Was I doing it wrong?! Isn't this the most important part and I'm adding bits in and taking bits out with each new person I meet. Also I am crap with names. I didn't know the names of most of my colleagues in Dunnes for a good few months after I started working there. Now I'm in a foreign country, where the names will come thick and fast. It's like someone's cruel idea for a gamesho- oh wait, I am in Japan after all!! Then it was time to see the Principal (hammering home the point that I am now a 'teacher' despite what my CV and questionable ability would have you believe!) who couldn't really speak English. Somehow I pulled the cat out of the bag and unscrambled my self-intro for him, so I came across as merely an Odd Gaijin instead of a Retarded one. Events had taken place in the space of about an hour or so. The [genuine] smile which I'd worn for all that time was beginning to droop as I felt lactic acid burning in my cheeks (.... yeah, the facial kind) and sudden Revenge Of The Jet-Lag tiredness kick in Must. Not. Yawn. Keep. Focused. Ganbatte! Before I left the UK, one last minute "WTF" email came announcing I wouldn't be in my apartment the first night but instead a hotel. Michiaki-sensei brought me back to the car and headed towards the GIANT hotel in Nagai. On Google Earth I'd mistaken it for some miltary silo or weapons testing facility. It stood out from the rest of Nagai with its enormous size amongst these small houses and buildings. Ack! Apparently it was full. Spectacular views of my very first evening in Nagai were not on the cards. Instead we went to a small, but new, hotel. It looked pokey but the rooms were okay. Michiaki left me to get freshened up and ready for a small welcome party they were doing later and would be back in an hour and a half. Boom! The door banged shut and I was in Japan on my own! Whoah! And I wasn't some illegal alien or an escapee from an otaku-kin convention, I was actually legitimately here in a small town and being paid for it!! It'd taken me 5 days to really connect with this fact. Now it was combining with my fatigue to produce some weird fuzzy feeling inside; Nercitement or impending Death By Awesomeness? I couldn't tell. I showered and climbed into my PJs and went to bed, thinking my little travel clock (Little Bastard as it shall be henceforth be referred) wouldn't fuck up another time ("You've won... Toto" anyone?). I was wrong. The phone was ringing. I sprang up, but wary enough not to start speaking straight away. What time was... Fuck! Michiaki is here now, Little Bastard had failed me again. Bastard!!! Sounded very calm on the phone and rushed like crazy to get dressed. Got out in under a minute and was downstairs trying to be blasé and cool and punctual. As we went out the little lady on the desk bowed, the novelty of it won't wear off for a while. Like the novelty of automatic toilets which 'Rinse and Repeat' for you... Down There. There was even a button for cleaning out your vagina. I didn't want to be aquatically raped by a jet of water so I didn't partake in that "Fresh Vagina" feel. The evening consisted of going to a Yakiniko restaurant and me drinking a giant pint of fake beer (0.5%! Allah, that's halal surely?!) and roasting our own oysters and slices of beef tongue on a grill in the middle of the table. My Chopstick l33t skillz deserted me mere moments after bragging that I had What It Took. Michiaki was there, Randy (my predecessor) Mukoda and Daiske were there. Daiske would be my neighbour "tonari no hito" in my new apartment. Everyone spoke really good English and was very welcoming.... so welcoming they decided they had to go sing some karaoke immediately after! Hurrahs?! The 'rules' of karaoke in Japan are different. No longer is it a contest where only those with the most neediest of egos go up to the mic to parade their 'ability'. No it's about singing with your friends in a small room where you can ply each other with alcohol and munchie-food and warble to any song under the planet and and get more out of key towards the end as the emotions take over. I tried Muse, Starlight, and was only able to do the really high bits properly, the rest sounding like an out of key Ulsterman standing at the back of the recording booth with the 'Echo' effect turned up all the way! Also tried "Don't Stop Me Now" and another two. I suspect my mic was turned down to save face. That or Randy has a fucking foghorn of a singing voice. He sang with so much gusto a calorie counter would pop up when he did his songs, lol. Recorded some video of us all singing to a Dragon Ball Z song (#Cha la, Hey cha la!# #SPARKING!#) but i had the fucking sound off, so it's just a silent video of some Japanese people and a gaijin in a small room. It looked like something out of Kill Bill 1. Then the singing was over and Michiaki dropped me back to the hotel. It was only midnight but I was fucking tired. If a ninja had come to assassinate me I'd have welcomed him with "Ah, at least that'll really finally get rid of this jet lag!" I went to sleep humming "CHA LA, HEY CHA LA!!!"