Holy Shit! Secret Animé Base Alert!

The incident at the ATM reminded me of a time about a month ago when I was still just starting my stint at 'teaching'. I was in the thick of self-introduction classes, carting props and work sheets about all day long. This period I was in an ichi-nen-sei (1^st year) class.

"D'oh!" I exclaimed as I realised I'd forgotten the worksheets. I told the teacher I was with that I'd be back in 2 minutes and dashed off to the staff room.

The school I'm in consists of two very long rectangular buildings, one being the primary teaching classes and home rooms for the 1st-3^rd years and the other being home to the administrative sections, staff room and some science rooms and a kick ass computer room (with colour laser jet printers at 5000dpi quality on machines all networked to lightning quick internet.... unnnnghhhhh {Geekgasm!}).

Ahem. Anyway these two long, thin buildings are joined by two corridors at either end. I was going through one of these now, up the stairs and grabbed the print outs and went back.

Alarms sounded

We're talking loud enough to deafen you in seconds, a trait I never understood in alarm systems;

so you're being saved from a lethal threat but you will spend your life hearing things as if they were playing through my car's stereo Pre-Tone-Control?! What kind of life is that?! I'd rather die in the Godzilla attack than be deafened by the alarm thankyouverymuch!

I must be turning Japanese because instead of looking for the escape routes I just gingerly made my way back to class; work must continue no matter what! But I round a corner and there It was, proof at last!

---

You see, coming to Japan I always suspect that behind its boring efficient façade lies the fantastical secret facilities that you see all the time in animé. Facilities which house telekinetic individuals or ancient monsters: basically stuff which you shouldn't house and instead should have left out in the red rubbish bags on trash day.

So imagine my delight/horror when I came round the corner to see a fucking Blast Door slowly closing off the hallway! Oh fuck yes! An Evangelion had escaped! Would I be its first gaijin pilot?!

I slid past it and heard it close with a satisfying "THUNK". If the animés were spot on, now the ground should shake and we should see some highly stylised violence....

I got back to my class to find the teacher gone; holy shit! She must be one of the pilots! Okay she wasn't a buxom young J-girl who would look great in a spandex suit while piloting something but still. The class looked equally miffed that she had gone.

Then reality crashed through the door; it was just a fucking faulty fire alarm. No giant robots, no buxom animé girls taking to the sky to fight evil creatures, no whiny Shinji to beat the shit out of.

C'est la vie de Japan.

Such hope and potential which ultimately comes down to faulty wiring and out of shape J-girls.

Yours spandexly,

JoeyD

Cash Machines & Revelations

One feature I love about the Japanese ATMs is the mirror above the unit. That way you can keep a watch on shifty Arabs like me staring over your shoulder, stealing your money. It also let's you catch the real unadulterated Japanese reaction to Retarded Gaijin Questioning: after asking for help the 1^st time I used the ATM from a J-Man, he turned to the machine and did the most stunning roll of his eyes /look of disgust I've ever witnessed. If I could muster up HALF that look when I am in another job, being talked down to by my boss/nemesis, I will die proud.

The reason I'd asked him a question, thus aggrieving him, was that I was trying to use a Japanese ATM machine, and of course everything was in Japanese. It becomes pot-luck if you choose the option for

"Gimme meh dough!"

or

"Please deposit all my savings into the Yakuza slush fund"

But I'd been twice before and pestered real-honest-to-god Nihon-jin to help me.

The first time aforementioned gruff J-Man motioned that I ask one of the 'females'. The second time I had a really sweet young lady help me out as soon as I did my Gaijin Stare Of Helplessness. The third time things went just right.

{And so endeth the tale of Joeylocks & The Three ATM Visits}

---

Oh but the bit about the last visit going well is a bit of a misleading. I chose a different machine to use this time. It was a bulkier one that is probably only meant for Real Men/Samurai. I waddled up to it, braved a few menus and typed in the amount I wanted; god did it felt good typing in numbers in the tens of thousands!

Whirring started, money was being sorted, all was right in Joey World. Then a hatch opened and there lay money...

Suddenly alarms blared and lights flashed, all my senses were being assaulted. All I was trying to do was withdraw some money from the ATM! I even think some ninja kids darted out from the machine to whack me over the head.

I jammed my hand into the suspiciously vice-like opening to grab the money and no sooner than I'd pulled my hand clear the thing slammed shut with a bone crushing ferocity.

The alarms stopped, the ninjas returned inside, I was safe at last.

It seems that you must undergo sensory rape in order to get your money out in Japan. All that was needed was for a hand to jut out from the machine and manhandle your crotch to complete the confusingly traumatic event of withdrawing money.

Oh and the final LOL came when I turned around and realise my look of shock, horror and girly panic had been seen by all via the massive mirror in front of me.

Like A Horse?!

It's the aftermath of the sports day. I am standing in the classroom, time ticking away to the end of the period, and the activity about to begin. This is the moment Michiaki takes to put it to the students that they must really really want to ask me something about my sports day performance...

Ah yes, the penance I must pay for being of sub-Japanese excuse for a human being in sports. So I steel myself for questions about my ekiden performance and resign myself to the fact that they will all forget my triumphant 150m relay début later that day.

“Why.... why.... why did you... sink... pace. Why did you.. sink... pace?”

God bless him. The student was really trying to ask an insulting question in English, and I respected that perseverance. I was about to answer with my stock excuses:

• I prefer short distances
• I am a otaku after all, so the fact I could run at all for the first 400m was a miracle in itself.

When Michiaki stepped in...

Uh oh.

He usually becomes middle man (or should that be devil's advocate?) when he wants to add his own slant to a question but which he couldn't outright say. Oh! I see! This is why he included this impromptu “Ask My Pet Gaijin” section! I should have known. Mind you I actually love these, they are like sudden mind benders that you must solve on the spot and not come out looking like a twat.

Okay, here we go, he's “translating” the question...

“Why did you run like a horse at the start and not pace yourself?”

The emphasis is not mine.

I nearly burst out laughing; at no point in the student's semi-valid English question did “horse” or anything equestrian enter the conversation. It was plainly Michiaki's own personal view that I had expended my energies too vigorously at the start.

But.... like a “horse”?! Perhaps I should take it as a compliment. Perhaps now, whenever I run, I shall have the Black Beauty soundtrack coursing through my head. People will wonder where the sudden classical music is coming from as I canter past them.

And they shall say,

“There goes the gaijin who runs like a horse”

Tokyo Game Show: Defying The Odds

In an Indiana Jones film, a swarthy character will warn him of impending doom should he ever try to find a mystical holy grail. His attempt will be doomed, he is told, because he is going against God's grand design.

Perhaps the old incoherent man in Akayu was giving us the same warning as we set out on our Tokyo Game show pilgrimage. The hilarities and mini disasters along the way suggest a certain upset to the Natural Order Of Things.


7:00pm Nagai JoeyD's apartment

---

"Oh for the love of..."

I had rushed home after another ridiculously late evening in school. I'd had one final speech contest practice to do and waited and waited for the girl to show. When I finished I'd raced home only to be confronted with the task of getting everything ready for going. That meant emptying the washing machine I'd left doing its thing at lunchtime, tidying up the place and generally putting to bed any residual OCD obsessions for a (I thought at the time) relaxing fun weekend in Tokyo.

Fellow ALTs were meant to be meeting up for dinner before we caught the night bus and this only added to the "Timing Issues" that I have for being punctual.

I stuffed some random clothes in a bag, which I then shoved into the Uber-Bag I use. This is a bag I've used for school, uni, camping, travelling, concealing evidence for many a year. It's not particularly grand or snazzy, but it has Tardis-like quality to it I tells thee. To my own consternation I didn't have time for a shower before going; I was in no way in dire need of one but it was the principle, goddamnit!

We had dinner, and leisurely saunted back to Chris' abode in Nanyo. My fellow Tokyonauts were:

• Chris
  
• Chryssy
• Emily
• Siobhan

They went out to get drinks, while I hung around the house and took some night pics of Chris' neighbourhood. The "Whoah, I'm in Japan" mood hit again and I again tried unsuccessfully to work out how the hell I got to be standing in the Japanese inaka about to go to the Tokyo Game Show.
They returned. We chilled. We left the house. Wondered where the bus stop was for the night bus.

Suddenly Chris was running. Like Lemmings to a mouse cursor, we felt compelled to follow. Emily enlightened me as to the sudden burst of speed (made all the more insulting by my still painful thighs from the sports day).

It was 10:18

The bus left at 10:25

Fuckbeans

Poetic as those last three thoughts were, it didn't help romanticise the fact we were in serious fucking danger of missing out on a whole weekend of geeky craziness in Tokyo.

We saw an old man. In Japan these are like walking sages, saints with a fount of knowledge at their fingertips. Gesticulate wildly enough in any language of your choice and he will not only understand, but shift mountains to help you or kidney punch the source of your problem. If this were a game your 'Intelligence' attribute just went to Level 99.

"Tokyo basu standu, doko desu ka".

The Orb Of Wisdom wasn't comprehending this. At all. Not just our semi-bad japanese but the whole concept of, er... buses!? What the hell dude?! Don't make us have to all mime a bus now, you should know this shit!

But still he was of no help. We slowly walked beside him as he led us down a side street (note to self: always keep an eye on one's kidneys when going down side streets). We were stood, at 10:21, grasping at straws. Siobhan suggested we tore ass down to Yonezawa to try and catch it there. We weren't sure what to do.

Then we saw some people leaving a restaurant. I initiated dialog and everyone followed suit, abandoning the nice, but shite, Orb Of Wisdom. They got very animated when we started to explain the situation. Again they didn't seem to know, but suddenly the chef leapt on a bike and disappeared off round a corner....

Da hell?!

And wait... was that a man.. or a woman? He was dressed like a woman... and had makeup on... but... er.... da hell?!

He/she returned on his/her bike a moment or two later, skidding round the corner and beckoning to us to follow. Urgency was of the utmost importance and we all knew what was at stake. That's why we all ran madly after him/her, dragging our bags along with us, laughing our asses off at the whole situation.

Ahead of us lay the main road but it was a good... oh.. 400 m away. As I found out on sports day, my limit of running is around 400m, a nice coincidence. I hadn't realised that in the Grand Scheme Of Things my woeful efforts on sports day were all for tonight: The night I would be chasing a transvestite on a bike to catch the night bus down to Tokyo.

That was us, nearly collapsing in a heap of hysterics and lactic acid. The bus had waited for us, it was now 10:28. We collapsed into our seats giggling away at the whole thing. I stopped giggling very quickly when Chris asked me if I'd left my keys in his house. I had. Problem was that he wasn't going to be coming back with my or Chryssy on the Sunday night bus... so my car keys were locked in his house! D'oh! I'd left them down when I saw Siobhan leaving hers (cue: "Well if Siobhan walked off a cliff would you do the same"? To which I would say "Yes, if I was in the Coast Guard Rescue Unit"). The simple solution eluded us for a second before we settled on me taking his keys (MWHAAAHAHAAHA! My sneaky plan to gain possession of his house is falling into place!).


So after chasing a tranny on a bike and leaving my car keys locked in someone else's house, we were finally on our way to Tokyo.

Sweete sweet treble!

Utterly, fantastic, brilliant and seismic news. I managed to sort out the muffled audio on the radio!!! Sweet sweet treble was returned to my life.

That's right, I've been driving it around for nearly 3 weeks with muffled sound listening to my favourite iPod songs as if I was either deaf or having a pillow over my face (or someone sat on said face, whichever floats your boat).

Then today, when I finally wondered how I turn the radio off, I finally noticed it, the answer to all my problems;

the Tone control!

I was so shocked/elated that I seriously considered sitting in the car all day just listening to crystal clear tunes instead of going to school.

This option was strengthened from the aching legs after yesterdays sports day which I had a go at; did the ekiden and a 150m relay. If I had managed to make it to The Wall I imagine the only way I would have gotten into school today was in one of those Stephen Hawking chairs. Which would have been fun as I'd have used the built-in electro-voice to say things like

"English is cool bitches! LOL"

It would have pleased me.

Apologies for this truly time wasting blog entry; an entry which just proves how stupid I am.

Yours musically,
JoeyD



PS I will henceforth dispatch with all allusions to AC and BC time keeping and simply call things TC. Tone Control. So welcome everyone to a new era in the year 0 of ATC

Sports Day redux

Just finished sports day. Was brilliant looking back on it, If I ignore the pain and burning and the feeling like my lungs were filling with blood (!). And that was just for the morning race! LOL

The afternoon race was much more agreeable. It was a 150m relay race. All afternoon I was secretly preparing myself for a rematch; this time *I* would triumph over my feeble J-students! I took a lot of Aquarious, ate some chicken (yes! I managed to find a CHICKEN snack in Japan for lunch!) and chilled out trying to conserve my gaijin energies.

I sat through some really fun races including a 5 legged race; 5 students all lined up one behind the other with their legs tied together. Part of me was gleefully expecting broken ankles and me posting the resulting video on youtube!

Then it was finally time for the mixed relay race. The students had it tougher, having to run longer distances, but us senseis finally had the upper hand with shorter distances, my speciality. I was 4th, and was busy trying to work out just WHERE I was to start just as the race started. Before you could say "Oi! Gaijin! You're up next!" the 3rd teacher was barrelling round the corner and I had to run spectacularly through the crowd of students and burst onto the track, then turn 90 degrees and keep going.

Grabbed the baton, well that's a good start! Running as fast I could, the Aquarious must really have worked, I felt a mix between gliding and perpetually on the cusp of face planting in spectacular style. But then a 3rd year student overtook me! But anger and a desire not to get p0wned by another J-student drove me on and I levelled with him. Pulled into the straight and kept level, was that.. it was!! Cheering for me! I notice they mention my name on the tannoy, maybe in the sentence:

"Look at the inferior gaijin try to catch up. Fall JoeyD! Fall!"

I lost a fraction of time as the 5th teacher was off to the side and I had to run a slightly longer distance but nonetheless I felt more genki (wanting to high five things) after this than the "my lungs are filling with blood and I will die on this street corner in Japan" feeling that I had after the 700m relay.

I was complimented on my efforts afterwards, compliments which felt slightly more heartfelt even though they were mixed; most said I was faster than Randy (!!!!), some said I was the same.... I must get to the bottom of this debate! I want to at least be a better *gaijin* than Randy if I can't beat these tiny J-students!

Yours sweatily,
JoeyD



PS Randy was my predecessor. He could play the guitar. Thus in the eyes of the kids he instantly p0wns a geek like me. Thus I figure acts of exceptional physical greatness will somehow make up for the lack of cool factor.

Sports Day!

Well finally it's upon me. I know that sports day is the relish of teacher's lives in the UK (day/afternoon off as all the ADD kids run around and play!) but here in Japan it's time for all teachers to muck in and get those aschemic heart valves pumping.

I had heard about other people's sports days a few weeks ago and felt blessed that I had perhaps missed the 'season'. Oooohhhh no, they were just saving it up for today!

Got into school to find noone there. For a moment I thought back to such movies as Shaun Of The Dead; would I be fending off zombie J-girls?! I went up to the staff room, again no one there. I remembered the old "You're a JET, LOL!" story of how there will be times you were simply not told about a certain event happening but "don't take it personally".
Now, the thing is, I KNEW there was a sports day today but I thought we still had classes too, which would have been shit and thus, to me, probably the way the Japs would do it.

However thankfully that potentially "Worst Day Ever" wasn't how they did things here. It was a full day given over to sports day. Hurrahs!

I was the 1st runner in the relay marathon. Despite telling them often enough in my self intros that I am a geek and haven't ran since 1998, they made me run 700m, round the school, alongside the fit young J-athletes. I kept up well as we circled the track field, within the grounds but when I got outside and saw the endless lane stretch away into distance my body just said "LOL, No way bitch" and I slackened. Still the sensei team I was on came 2nd, w00t!!

I came back to lots of (fake) Japanese compliments on how well I, a gaijin, ran.

Off now for an afternoon 150 relay race... will the J-pain never cease?!

Yours breathlessly,
JoeyD

Masochism & Serial Killers - A Japanese Listening Test

I went to an English Listening class today. Didn't really do too much; asked to explain another little quirky aspect of Western life, asked a few questions, answered a few questions. I readied myself for the listening test along with the students, being a native speaker I may, for once, have a shot at getting a decent mark in one of these things! I had horrible flash backs to my blank page in French class after Mrs Wright stopped the tape and turned to us expectantly;

“So where did Francóis take Joan for a lengthy gallic pre-cursor to smelly sexy shenanigans?”

The tape played and a horrible annoying nondescript silky character-less American accent poured out of the speakers. If this is what Japanese people are taught us Gaijin sound like no wonder they have such a shit grasp of English. Even my American JET friends didn't sound this stereotypically American!

Okay, the dude is now running through the instructions; yeah yeah yeah, I'll be sure to 'listen carefully' right before I pw0n this listening test hard!

---

Okay... Question 1, where is the book located? There is an illustration of a bookshelf with four books placed in various places on it. He starts to speak ... and.... I almost literally have no idea what the hell he is telling me. It goes something like this:

“Hello Ann!"
"Hello [Perfect US-accented Man]!" [Henceforth PUS MAN!]
"Can I borrow a book?"
"Oh you want my book? Er, sure!"
"Where is it?"
"You really want to know where it is? Well, it is in the living room, on the bookshelf”

Firstly, I think Ann is reluctant as all fuck to lend the book to him; look at how she stalls when it comes to telling him where the book is located. I mean, you can practically see her shifting awkwardly as she tries to drag it out in the hopes PUS-Man will bugger off home.

But I digress, this wasn't the part I found hard to follow, here's a paraphrase of what was giving me trouble:

“Where is the book Ann?” {I can imagine PUS-Man raising his fist to Ann at this point}
“It's on the shelf, but it's not on the bottom right shelf, and I don't think it's on the upper left shelf, let me check. Ah yes, it's by the tickets, they were from a lovely holiday in Thailand this year, I bought a small ladyboy, it lives under the second shelf to the right, but anyway that is not where the book is. Instead on the top shelf I have a dead body and a book that tells you the wingspeed of a migrating swallow durka durka muhammad jihad, the book you seek is on the top right shelf”
“Thanks Ann!”

[Understatement] No one talks like this. It is slightly odd to teach them to listen for chats like these when the only time they will hear them is with a serial killer with a slick american accent. [/Understatement]

I could instantly see what they're done. The people who set the listening test had decided to throw in as much shite as possible; “rights”, “lefts”, “dead children” - to throw off the little J-Kids, but dear GOD were these rambling incoherent narratives! For a moment I wondered if I should perhaps sue, they seemed to come straight from my twisted rambling mind!

---

After wading through more questions, and all the double negatives and false positive directions, even I, a native English speaker, could barely get full marks.

And the best bit? They turned to me for the answer each time.... I struggled through, stifling laughter as a simple questions like:

“Where did you put the condoms Ann? So I don't leave any evidence”

were turned into epic Lord Of The Rings style prose. I wondered if maybe PUS-Man was really a serial killer, the type in movies who are weirdly calm and clear and wholesome sounding. Maybe he was beating the shit out of her and she was going mad?! Her responses and directions seemed to get more desperate and rambling as the CD wore on. I suffered the embarrassment of completely losing track of the answer to Question 5.

So basically, they drill these little J-Kids hard but only so they can converse with serial killers with violent demanding personalities. I can't wait till I'm asked to make an activity up based around this...!



PS I actually noted part of one of these dialogues the kids were listening to. In this one you were meant to decide how many chairs were round the table. This is only part of it:

“Hey Ann, I'm having 5 friends come over”

{oh shit?! Gang rape now?!}

“Great!”

{I swear I heard her give a nervous laugh}

“So we need 5 chairs. Go get 'em”

“Okay I will check behind the three blind mice, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree”

{See what they did there? Tried to throw the kids off with lots of random numbers}

“Oh shoot, we don't have 5 chairs. We only have 3. Oops, sorry I only have 2 chairs”

{Ann sounds like a retard here}

“Okay, well then, just bring two.”

“Are you sure it's ok?”

{What are you doing?! Don't question him!}

“ARE YOU QUESTIONIN' MY AUTHROTITY WOMAN?!”

{You're in the shit now girl}

I would have faithfully transcribed more of their dialogue but didn't cos I realised I had better answer the damn thing to the best of my gaijin ability rather than risk looking stupid. I wanted them to be in awe of me being able to keep up with the dysfunctional relationship that Ann and PUS Man have.

Red Pill

Ide on the drive back from my agricultural high school

Am at my agricultural high school today; I go every Wednesday. You know that music from the Apprentice? For some reason they're playing it to the kids while they're working out and to the kids in the greenhouses outside.

Actually it fucking makes sense! The Kyoto-sensei (vice principal) looks like one of Sir Allan's advisers, and they sort of sit around one of the head honchos in the teacher's room. I bet they're out trying to do something entrepreneurial under the glare of a reality TV crew. Will I be a new challenge in the weeks to come?!

“In your next challenge, part the gaijin of his cash. Failing that, his life”.

Today has been the Best Day Ever (YTMND song plays). I was shitting myself at my enkai that I would be too drunk or something to be able to come up with a cool activity for today. Of course since I got back at a sedate 10pm I didn't have too much to worry about distracting me from this goal, apart from OCD web surfing... which I promptly succumbed to.

Drove into school this morning, noting that I hadn't suffered at all from a hangover! Arrived 10 minutes late because of a cunt who was driving at the speed limit (a speed limit of 50km/hr on a wide open road that could easily support 60 or 65 km/hr comfortably enough.

I then forgot, again, that the woman beside me isn't in fact my English teacher, but the school nurse! D'oh! She has such amazing English I just keep assuming it!

She told me that all the classes had been taught yesterday (?! Jesus, talk about Japanese efficiency, they teach the classes back in time now!) and Yoshida was off. Meanwhile I kept telling her that I was:

“going to work on activities and if she had any idea what kind of stuff she wanted me to do in class with her”.

Blank J-face.

I repeat it, miming this time.

Nervous blank J-face.

Then she repeats what she had been saying, while pointing at Yoshida's desk and saying her name. Fuck! The penny dropped. However I was not going to let her know I had been a stupid cunt, AGAIN. I just said

“Yes, I will work on activities and is this indeed what she wanted me to do instead of going to class?”

See, English is so complex I can change the meaning, covering my tracks, and any Japanese person wouldn't be aware of it! And because she SO wanted me not to be a stupid twat I could see she made herself believe that this is what I had meant all this time.

“Kyo wa kantan desu!” I said, which is something like “Today is piss easy!” The maths teacher smiled, but they looked weirdly nervous and expectant of me to actually do something. Well fuck that shit right there! I was breaking out my laptop and going surfing on the internet!

Roped Maths Guy into getting me online. There was an hilarious red pill/blue pill moment; we had tried for ages to get the IP address settings to work using a blue Ethernet cable that trailed off into a router below my desk, only for Maths Guy to suddenly do the J-Sound for “Oh fuck! I forgot!” and reached out and opened his hand EXACTLY like Morpheus to reveal the end of a red Ethernet cable. Win!

I laughed at the inadvertent geeky homage and plugged it in and saw the Matrix/Internet light up my screen. Before too long I started firing off emails to world and dog. The cool PE teacher is floating around, watching in awe as I type this mass of English, and I don't have to see Bertha and Willow (long story...).

Trade Descriptions Act

	I love waking up feeling tired and lethargic, knowing I must get a move on, get out and make the best I can out of 6 hours sleep. Actually I really hate it, or i think I do. What else would you say made me endlessly forego an early night for sitting up to god-knows-what-hour-of-the-night? Friend: OCD?! Me: No it ain't, fuck up! Now let me get back to endlessly washing my hands of dirt... oh dear lord there's so much the dirt... SO MUCH DIRT!!! Friday night was much of the same; knew I should go to bed early, stayed up till 4am instead. I was being OCD about just reading random sites, wanting to be up to the minute or getting LOLs from all the Penny Arcade I'd missed. Got up at 10am, and delayed and dallied about until I got down there at 11:30. What is “there”? Only my first ever frickin' J-volleyball tournament! I was told “it'd be better” if I went to it. Refer to previous blog post about the idea of being 'forced' to go to these things. Okay this time it is a fucking VOLLEYBALL MATCH, but most other times it could be something like “Speech contest practice”; fuck-a-doodle-do. I was still reluctant; so often my perfect image of Animé Japan has been blown apart. Could I face another stereotype falling in the face of reality?! Oh and anyone notice the slightly chilling words he used?! I only just realised it probably means the yakuza will come and cut my ankles off I don't agree that it would indeed “be better” to do the thing he's suggested!! It seems the Japanese take 'no' badly enough to actually try and spare us foreigners from making the mistake of having the choice to say 'no'. They just word it like this and, with a raised eyebrow at the right moment, make it obvious we can't refuse. So after cursing another day of OCD insomnia, I head down to the school. Holy shit! There's a lot of Japanese people, all staring, or doing the “we'll wait till we're nearly alongside before staring obviously at him” routine. I get into the gym, and instantly lose 4litres of sweat, the place is an inferno; apt for my curious reasons for seeing the volleyball perhaps?! And then I see them. Boys. Wait... maybe they're just incredibly flat chested girls... it really is fair to describe most women here as “planks – completely flat”. Those words weren't mine, they were the words from another jealous gaijin with EEs that the Death Star could orbit while it awaited repair. Nope. They were boys. It wasn't the girl's teams today, it was their Will Young contingent out and about supporting Nagai. I felt like putting in an international call to the Trades Descriptions folk. The worst part is that I, “JoeyD”, stayed for a whole game in the fucking roasting gymnasium. The slight upshot was that I watched Nagai kick ass while I deployed the Weapon against against my students. I deliberately dive bombed into huddled groups of my students asking the same “spontaneous” questions, for instance; “who's playing?” “what score do they need to win?” “what are the rules?” “Are we winning?” I would hang around just long enough for their little confused/vacant looks to reach a crescendo before saying “OK! Enjoy the game! See you later!”. The looks on their face (oh fuck! That fucking Ronan Keating song has popped into my head!) told me that they didn't know the last phrase; I'll have to teach it to them, fuckbeans. If I ever did teach it I want to use picture cards; my first one will be some crumpled body of a hooker, laying in a puddle in a/the back alley; dramatic black and red lighting, the man nonchalantly strolling away from the scene, hand waving behind him, “See you later!” hanging above him cheerfully in a speech bubble. Yes that is a fucked up scene to picture but I somehow want to convey the universalness of that phrase. My next slide would be of someone huddled in the corner of a darkened house, looking fearfully at a text message: “See you later”. Think of that scene in Scream. Basically if I had my way I would fuck with their minds and teach them English! I consider it returning the favour, their anime is a mind fuck and educational; who knew incest/paedophilia was so common in Japan!? When another pair of 17 year old girls came into the staff room and started chatting with me, my supervisor lamented: “Ah you're so lucky, the girls seem to like you” The guy is married, has two kids and is 40 years old. 'Koi Kaze' was a fucking documentary I tells thee!

Weapon In The Arsenal

One thing they tell you is to be wary of agreeing to too many events or 'duties' while being a JET. Yes you're here to pimp your gaijin-ness and happy affable self (a lie in so many ways) but just don't bend over and shout “Take me Takeshi!” at every opportunity. A simple Gaijin Smash is all that's needed but sometimes the samurai sword to the throat reduces even the most brazen American ALTs to wimps. However, we do have a secret weapon; being gaijin. Wait... no. As I have been going on about being a foreigner for so long it really can't be much of a secret can it?! Okay, well then let's just call it a new “Weapon in the Arsenal”*, a new Special Power. It's deployed as follows; turn up at event you really don't want to be at, walk around making sure as many people as possible can see your face, melt into the shadows and leave. Rumours of you turning up for 6 hours to support the team and single handedly defeating an untimely Godzilla attack will spread like wildfire. *oh god, that could be such a euphemism; i seem to notice more and more odd and interesting double entendres in English the longer I am here in Japan. Dear god! Japan even perverts your vocab!