"How are you Kasumi?"
"I'm sleepy"
Holy fucking god! She didn't say "I'mfinethnkyouhowareyou?"!!!
I'm marking this date in the diary; The Day Someone Responded Properly To The World's Simplest English Question
Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Hallelujah!
Holy fucking god! She didn't say "I'mfinethnkyouhowareyou?"!!!
I'm marking this date in the diary; The Day Someone Responded Properly To The World's Simplest English Question
Every Gaijin For Himself
"Hmm, there's no classes in the final period, just a LHR {Lusting Home Room?!}."
I idly rejoiced at no classes (4 classes today ~ 3 hours stood saying nothing) in the final period and went about my business of sowing the seed of Good English.
4th Period
While staring around the classroom, in between doing my Human Tape Recorder spiel, I glance at the board.
I remembered back to the dinner I had with Brigid and friends in Nanyo the other night. There was a funny story about how they basically left her behind when they had an earthquake drill; seems its J-women, J-children and nihon-jin first in these parts!
Class is over. Let's ask Michiaki!
So
LOL, Japan emergency procedures.
update
During the drill a soothing alarm went off and we all slowly made our way downstairs. As I was standing there I noticed people were resting small clip boards on their heads. Why?! Then Muara noticed I was without my Anti-Squashed Brain Shield clipboard and gave me her...
Yep, a map book to place over my head. I didn't know these things were all Earthquake Proof (TM) giving them the power to deflect bits of falling buildings, fire and brimstone. Should the apocalypse ever hit I am quaking slightly less in my boots knowing I have one of these babies at my side, ready to face Gods wrath knowing I'll at least not sustain fatal head injuries.
Oh aside from the fucking fact that I will because, lest we forget, you're putting a bit of paper or stiff wooden backing over your noggin!
Got to the gymnasium (so instead of running outside we run into an enormous gym?!). There they all lined up and sat down. Funny way to go about protecting yourself from an earthquake. kochi-sensei then got up and delivered a 20 minute speech. WTF?!
Just to confirm this isn't being misread, I turned and asked Muara if this was part of the evacuation procedure, it was. LOL
I can only imagine that, when the place is quaking, and he's holding onto his little stand for dear life, microphone clutched tightly in his fist, he'll be screaming things like
I idly rejoiced at no classes (4 classes today ~ 3 hours stood saying nothing) in the final period and went about my business of sowing the seed of Good English.
4th Period
While staring around the classroom, in between doing my Human Tape Recorder spiel, I glance at the board.
Oh there's 'LHR' again. Wait. There's "fire drill" and "earthquake drill" right next to it.... what?!
I remembered back to the dinner I had with Brigid and friends in Nanyo the other night. There was a funny story about how they basically left her behind when they had an earthquake drill; seems its J-women, J-children and nihon-jin first in these parts!
Class is over. Let's ask Michiaki!
"Er, I have no idea what to do Michiaki"
"Just run after the students"
"?!"
So
- an unfamiliar escape route
- aforementioned escape route collapsing
- potential burst gas mains
- falling masonry
- bodies strewn everywhere
LOL, Japan emergency procedures.
update
During the drill a soothing alarm went off and we all slowly made our way downstairs. As I was standing there I noticed people were resting small clip boards on their heads. Why?! Then Muara noticed I was without my Anti-Squashed Brain Shield clipboard and gave me her...
map?!
Yep, a map book to place over my head. I didn't know these things were all Earthquake Proof (TM) giving them the power to deflect bits of falling buildings, fire and brimstone. Should the apocalypse ever hit I am quaking slightly less in my boots knowing I have one of these babies at my side, ready to face Gods wrath knowing I'll at least not sustain fatal head injuries.
Oh aside from the fucking fact that I will because, lest we forget, you're putting a bit of paper or stiff wooden backing over your noggin!
Got to the gymnasium (so instead of running outside we run into an enormous gym?!). There they all lined up and sat down. Funny way to go about protecting yourself from an earthquake. kochi-sensei then got up and delivered a 20 minute speech. WTF?!
Just to confirm this isn't being misread, I turned and asked Muara if this was part of the evacuation procedure, it was. LOL
I can only imagine that, when the place is quaking, and he's holding onto his little stand for dear life, microphone clutched tightly in his fist, he'll be screaming things like
"We shall endure! We are Japanese! Ganbatte!!"
And it'll look like the scene in Lord Of The Rings: Return Of the King where those hordes are attacking that Big White City Thing and the brave humans are lobbing back massive bits of stone, squashing whole sections of the evil army.
There's kocho-sensei singing the Japan Anthem/ Yosakoi song while the teachers shield under their impenetrable Anti-Heavy-Falling-Thing Devices and the children are crushed by the collapsing gym above their heads. All they need is fucking Gandalf to appear, and a bisexual gardener to turn up and we can all ride this one out in style.
There's kocho-sensei singing the Japan Anthem/ Yosakoi song while the teachers shield under their impenetrable Anti-Heavy-Falling-Thing Devices and the children are crushed by the collapsing gym above their heads. All they need is fucking Gandalf to appear, and a bisexual gardener to turn up and we can all ride this one out in style.
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
Episode 3: Revenge Of The Yen
They're everywhere!!
1 Yen coins breed like rabbits in the confines of your wallet. For the first month I simply chucked any change in my pocket onto the desk left in my apartment. This was back when I was still settling in and I lived a frugal existence, thus I didn't use the desk and one half of it was littered with the shrapnel of capitalist battle.
That is until one day; I snapped. I decided that the tide would be turned. No longer would shop assisstants be handing me their shitty coinage, oh no, I'd be returning the favour with avengence. That's right, it was:
I spent an entire evening counting coins. Forget why it took a whole evening (I am OCD and kept recounting things) and focus on the monumental achievement; over 11,000 yen all piled into neat coin piles. That's over £45 of change!!!
Now it was time to "return" something to the community which had gifted me their monetary waste....
The 100Yen store was my first target. I needed loads of things for my, then, spartan apartment. Did my shopping and gleefully, nay, orgasmically I unloaded my coinage into the collection tray.
Ah yes, the collection tray. For some reason Japanese don't like touching you when they fulfil the transcation, so you have to stand like Little Lord Fontleroy as you regally deposit your note into the tray, they pick it up and return some of their finest coinage to you. I've insisted on breaking this tradition by handing my money straight into their palms.
It took me about 3 days to get it dumped all around Nagai, but I succeeded. The last carefully bundled 100 Yen coin drop took place in my local supermarket, the Yokubenimai (seemingly a horrendous english mash up of the words "Local Comveni[ence] Market").
1 Yen coins breed like rabbits in the confines of your wallet. For the first month I simply chucked any change in my pocket onto the desk left in my apartment. This was back when I was still settling in and I lived a frugal existence, thus I didn't use the desk and one half of it was littered with the shrapnel of capitalist battle.
That is until one day; I snapped. I decided that the tide would be turned. No longer would shop assisstants be handing me their shitty coinage, oh no, I'd be returning the favour with avengence. That's right, it was:
The Revenge Of The 1 Yen
{now also including bad dialogue and a range of toys and merchandise}
I spent an entire evening counting coins. Forget why it took a whole evening (I am OCD and kept recounting things) and focus on the monumental achievement; over 11,000 yen all piled into neat coin piles. That's over £45 of change!!!
Now it was time to "return" something to the community which had gifted me their monetary waste....
The 100Yen store was my first target. I needed loads of things for my, then, spartan apartment. Did my shopping and gleefully, nay, orgasmically I unloaded my coinage into the collection tray.
Ah yes, the collection tray. For some reason Japanese don't like touching you when they fulfil the transcation, so you have to stand like Little Lord Fontleroy as you regally deposit your note into the tray, they pick it up and return some of their finest coinage to you. I've insisted on breaking this tradition by handing my money straight into their palms.
It took me about 3 days to get it dumped all around Nagai, but I succeeded. The last carefully bundled 100 Yen coin drop took place in my local supermarket, the Yokubenimai (seemingly a horrendous english mash up of the words "Local Comveni[ence] Market").
JoeyD 1 Japan 0
Monday, 15 October 2007
Disappointing
Continuing to disappoint me is the Japanese lack of otaku-ism. Maybe it's cos I'm in a pretty rural part of Japan, and kids come from salt-of-the-earth families. Morals are beaten into them and perversion is something only Uncle Takeshi does on weekends behind the shed.
Perhaps its the pressures and sights, sounds and smells of living in crowded cities with every last bit of nature snuffed out that makes people suddenly obsessed with tales of sexy vampires or sibling incest.
I've asked a lot of my students about what type of animé or manga they've read and the 'worst' has been Death Note. None of the sannensei's has heard of School Days. No one's even heard of the more legit. animés like Code Geass and Gankutsuo.
Was it all a lie?! Have we been lured to Japan with the promise of mecha-tastic times, only to find we know more anime than 800 J-teens put together?!
Noooooooo!!!
Perhaps its the pressures and sights, sounds and smells of living in crowded cities with every last bit of nature snuffed out that makes people suddenly obsessed with tales of sexy vampires or sibling incest.
I've asked a lot of my students about what type of animé or manga they've read and the 'worst' has been Death Note. None of the sannensei's has heard of School Days. No one's even heard of the more legit. animés like Code Geass and Gankutsuo.
Was it all a lie?! Have we been lured to Japan with the promise of mecha-tastic times, only to find we know more anime than 800 J-teens put together?!
Noooooooo!!!
Is it a spider? Is it some mould?! No! It's...
There were many good guesses, including
Let's just say it was either of those last two... i think it'd been there so long that it's gained intelligence, and a thirst for human blood. It was also located in my drain... so it'd .... accumulated.... stuff.... ungodly stuff..... stuff which no human should ever have to see...
Still, things are very much cleaner now. Follow the link to my picture gallery on the right, and you can watch my apartment's transformation into something a bit more civilised.
- spiders
- giant ball of dust
- laundry
- mould
- vampire
Let's just say it was either of those last two... i think it'd been there so long that it's gained intelligence, and a thirst for human blood. It was also located in my drain... so it'd .... accumulated.... stuff.... ungodly stuff..... stuff which no human should ever have to see...
Still, things are very much cleaner now. Follow the link to my picture gallery on the right, and you can watch my apartment's transformation into something a bit more civilised.
{Pics of vampire drain mould not included}
Saturday, 13 October 2007
Welcome to Casa De Joey
This is the finished result. Amazingly staged though it is, it is about as tidy as this from day to day. Am bloody amazed what a little lighting, curtains and a cabinet can do.Am strangely proud of it, even though its taken me two months to finally really put my stamp on the apartment! Now my attentions turn to the kitchen, and the goal of cooking my first home brewed dinner...
PS In case you're worrying, the fruit of my loins is doing well. I bought him an ipod speaker for him to wear on his head. Also, I think he said its first word today: "Bebo". That's my boy!
Scratch & Sniff
Another needlessly epic short story instead of just saying what actually happened in one sentence.
How long it had grown in the dark space no one knew; its tendrils snaking their way towards the light, towards the warmth, towards me. I'd neglected to man the watch towers in this corner of the apartment, and in my absence It had run riot, relishing its freedom.
Now staring at it I could sense its arrogance, its sense of impunity. "What can you possibly do to me" it seemed to say, "accept defeat, human, and retreat to your land of the disinfectant and clean living, but soon they too will be mine".
But I screamed back "You shall not pass!" and what ensued was an evening doing battle with the darkness that had haunted a corner of my apartment for too long. There were setbacks, and woundings, and sometimes the fight seemed hopeless...
But I triumphed! It was banished. It was over. And all was good.
**********************************
Anyone care to guess what it was that I did battle with? What had haunted me for so long and had conquered a corner of my apartment?
How long it had grown in the dark space no one knew; its tendrils snaking their way towards the light, towards the warmth, towards me. I'd neglected to man the watch towers in this corner of the apartment, and in my absence It had run riot, relishing its freedom.
Now staring at it I could sense its arrogance, its sense of impunity. "What can you possibly do to me" it seemed to say, "accept defeat, human, and retreat to your land of the disinfectant and clean living, but soon they too will be mine".
But I screamed back "You shall not pass!" and what ensued was an evening doing battle with the darkness that had haunted a corner of my apartment for too long. There were setbacks, and woundings, and sometimes the fight seemed hopeless...
But I triumphed! It was banished. It was over. And all was good.
**********************************
Anyone care to guess what it was that I did battle with? What had haunted me for so long and had conquered a corner of my apartment?
Friday, 12 October 2007
Epic
Please read this epic short story and guess what it refers to!
*************************************************
I recoil in horror. I stare down at the sight before me, breathing heavily. The light swings overhead lending the moment a movie like quality, like a bad homage to the end of 'Pyscho'. Its feeble swing was set in motion by my swinging as I contorted myself to avoid the deadly unclean spray. And suddenly I realise I am all alone to face the terrible choice lain before me. I become acutely aware of how lonely I am, with a language barrier only making matters worse.
And when I think about it for the tenth time, it happened so quick. For a moment I toyed with the idea, laughed at it in its seeming improbability. The evening had been going so well, success after success. Oh how fate was to hit back at my nonchalance. My grip fumbled, my eyes widened, my arm stiffened. As my offhand notion slowly became a reality before me, I was unable to move. I hoped for divine intervention, I hoped for gravity to fail, I hoped that I would do a Bruce Lee fast move to stop the inevitable...
But nothing happened. So this is how I found myself, standing over the scene of devastation and corruption, reliving the moment again and again.
Speed was of the essence to salvage the situation. I saw a hand hold I could use and reached for it, carefully reclaiming it from its sodden resting place. The hollow sense of triumph did little to stem the small shiver I gave as I placed it back in its safe, clean, place. There was remarkably little fallout, a small blessing. Shaken, I finished my task and retired to my room, but my mind's eye was still trapped there, thinking about the soiled cherry on the top of my creamilicious evening.
************************************************
Answer: I dropped the cleaning spray into the toilet last night when I was doing my spring cleaning, flush* with the success of finishing my DIY-cabinet efforts only moments before. Although I quickly salvaged the situation I now live in fear of ever having to touch the spray again, or going anywhere near the toilet without a haz-mat suit on... i'm a bit of a germophobe that way!
JoeyD
*pun, LOL.
*************************************************
I recoil in horror. I stare down at the sight before me, breathing heavily. The light swings overhead lending the moment a movie like quality, like a bad homage to the end of 'Pyscho'. Its feeble swing was set in motion by my swinging as I contorted myself to avoid the deadly unclean spray. And suddenly I realise I am all alone to face the terrible choice lain before me. I become acutely aware of how lonely I am, with a language barrier only making matters worse.
And when I think about it for the tenth time, it happened so quick. For a moment I toyed with the idea, laughed at it in its seeming improbability. The evening had been going so well, success after success. Oh how fate was to hit back at my nonchalance. My grip fumbled, my eyes widened, my arm stiffened. As my offhand notion slowly became a reality before me, I was unable to move. I hoped for divine intervention, I hoped for gravity to fail, I hoped that I would do a Bruce Lee fast move to stop the inevitable...
But nothing happened. So this is how I found myself, standing over the scene of devastation and corruption, reliving the moment again and again.
Speed was of the essence to salvage the situation. I saw a hand hold I could use and reached for it, carefully reclaiming it from its sodden resting place. The hollow sense of triumph did little to stem the small shiver I gave as I placed it back in its safe, clean, place. There was remarkably little fallout, a small blessing. Shaken, I finished my task and retired to my room, but my mind's eye was still trapped there, thinking about the soiled cherry on the top of my creamilicious evening.
************************************************
Answer: I dropped the cleaning spray into the toilet last night when I was doing my spring cleaning, flush* with the success of finishing my DIY-cabinet efforts only moments before. Although I quickly salvaged the situation I now live in fear of ever having to touch the spray again, or going anywhere near the toilet without a haz-mat suit on... i'm a bit of a germophobe that way!
JoeyD
*pun, LOL.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Proud Father
JoeyD would like to inform you of the birth of his new child, weighing in at 18 lbs 5 ozs.
Yes folks, I am immensely proud of the product my own meiosis.
Here's a picture I took of the new arrival happily taking its first steps across the apartment...
Monday, 8 October 2007
What am I?
I am a consumer whore!
Went out this weekend with Monica and got shit loads of stuff for the apartment. Knowing me it'll take me a whole week to finally get round to unpacking and using all this stuff.
This is the state of the apartment as I slowly get it ready for a major overhaul. I put in the new lights (which are really Japanese looking) and soon I will have me a liveable apartment.Actually, my only problem was having some place to put things. With the new cabinet built it'll really help. But, as ever, I have the invisible menace of Japanese people and their samurai skills. See, I need to hammer a few pegs into place to build my new baby, but the walls are paper thin... I'll have to make a start on the one free evening I have, Thursdsay. Need to get it all done then or else it'll be another week! The Neat Freak in me would go on a murderous spree long before then!
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