Normally I would vent a little here but last year me (and several of my friends) were hounded (bullied?) for putting our, quite separate, views up on our blogs about something for all. Hounded by several people periphery to the person we were having an disagreement with. Obviously they found a delight in using the ye olde version of blogging; talking, and they seemed to be briefed on it to a large degree so it wasn't subtle.
Quite why they didn't grasp the hypcocrisy at the time escaped me. So what if there is potentially a larger audience. Most won't even know the main stars in the drama anyway, like hearing about some famous Brit actor or Aussie actor who hasn't yet made it big in Hollywood! What I consider worse were the emails and phone calls to me and my friends by people, friends of all the parties, overstepping their mark. It played on a very real neurosis of mine since school...
Anyway me and my friends had to change or delete our blo entries because of this. I was guiltier than most because of my vehement raging entries, that were less abstract than my friends' and laid it all out there like some kind of party manifesto, hoping for support from all the anonymous people reading.
I've been wondering: Why did I do that?
As with most thing that may strike others as strange about my behaviour, I realised it came from "friends" I had in school who were pretty fickle or just downright bullying. I'd put up with them, knowing that if I ever tried to say anything to address the, er, liberties they were taking with me, it would really be an all or nothing argument.
One I'd never receive an apology for the original complaint anyway. One that would end things anyway because I'd finally have snapped and spill the beans on all the resentment I'd grown to feel about them. One that affronted their own sense of god given right to do something annoying over and over again to their friends and expect "understanding"...
I've finally learned, keeping all the things that piss you off about a friend bottled up is destructive; best talk about it as they happen and not let it build. Then you're not in the wrong for giving them a carte blanche in the first place.
So either you let it out or you just push that friend away because they will always step and trample all over your eggshells without a care in the world, whilst railing and raging against you and getting a lot of yolk on their feet.
Anyway, one fear (or reality because it was real to some degree) was that others wouldn't back me up about anything. I was the lame, uncool David of grammar school in those days and no matter how much I felt righteous glorious indignant justice on my side, a sneer was all that was needed to crush my argument and resolve, lol.
Moreover my Mum definitely played her part. When we argued, her way of shutting me up, or eroding my will enough to give up, was trying to remind me often enough how weird I was compared to my friends and saying that no one would ever back me up if they saw what I was "really like". So um, yeah neurosis (or scars?) formed. She also went off on epic tangents that made World War I's single main battlefront look quaint by comparison. Bttlefronts would spring up all over the place, and running around trying to defend all the positions was impossible. Thus I hate when people go off on a whole list of things in an argument.
Of course, now I do that. Well, in the all of nothing arguments, because I've built up such a massive portfollio of annoyances or examples to use. I must have learnt from the best arguer, like an Obi-wan of verbal conflict, lol
It's also a tactic I haven't used until now. I mean, I'm shocked by some things people say to me in random keitai emails. Seemingly random angry emails, or indignant emails or sarcastic barbed emails. I wonder if anyone else gets them. I thought maybe I deserved them but I have shown them to some close friends and they agree that it's surprising why me, as JoeyD, get so much up front out pouring of emotion. I mean I know I always want to be approachable and open but, it kinda hurts.
I'm a Neurosis Machine, so all pepole need to do is say something to me about something I do wrong and away I will go and worry about it myself. Accusatory emails or sarcastic emails don't have the same effect and I just react with annoyance.
I know people won't see eye to eye with me when I reply. So I debate now, instead of just telling them where to get off when they insult me. I fear that were I really to say what I feel, they will ignore it and just turn it all back on me and then demand an apology for me for being so angry and frustrated at them...
Actually, that's a reality more than fear because this happens still today. But what I've learned is that I can have friends and people who may not agree with me in an argument, but will keep their distance, offer impartial advice and go on with just being a friend instead of wading in as judge, jury and executioner.
And I have friends who have big problems with me (bigger problems than punctuality, which rates as a laid back Irish-ism) that have told me it in nicer ways.
I'm not perfect but I deal with each argument in its own bubble. I hate people who drag in the other issues to try and tar the other with this brush of imperfectionism. Fuck that. I say stay on target Luke... er.. I mean use the Force... er... wait.. sorry, Star Wars flashback whenever I say something related to "target".
Generally, the reason I vented so transparently last time was because I was looking for someone to agree with me. With two parties joining the fray and rumours and murmours that others had been given wind of the situation and were siding with them or wondering why *I* was the one being painted as the "bad guy". So it was a fuming reaction to that kind of impotence I felt, at the sheer "unfairness" of it all.
Moved on from that so to speak. I'm just better at censoring myself. But I still want to randomly note these events of the past few days. It's another footnote in the chapter of life here, and again, like many conflicts before, got me thinking about my own neurosis and stupidity.
So I had a disagreement about how I felt. After a year and half of lots of long winded semi patronising/badly worded emails came into my inbox, I get an accusatory one about a simple mistake. I engage in a "debate" that's really me just politely defusing the situation cos I feel another all or nothing argument coming. A followup from the person touches on a very hypocritical topic for all concerned, and I finally deliver a 500 word email, hoping they back the fuck off. Back comes a whopping 1250 word email, then a final chunky 800 word email from me. Now we all agree to disagree and move on.
Resolved.
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